Posted 6:40 PM by Lauren
Packing up the rage

A discourse on being laid off -- or clipped, as my pal Liz would say. Today, I had to pack up the laptop provided by my former employer. I wanted to buy it from them but hey, that would be thoughtful and convenient, so of course they said no. And of course they don't offer an explanation. I mean, it's not like someone else needs it. They just laid off 500 people. Bastards.

It's Day 6 of unemployment and it's only today that I actually feel pissed off about getting the ax. My first reaction was relief followed quickly by a very mature nah, nah, nah, nah, naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah nah. I laughed at my former co-workers who are still stuck in that soul-sucking job. I danced spasmodically in my living room. Really. Horrifying an image as that may be, I did it joyously. But today is a bit different. Today I face the the exhausting reality of The Job Hunt. And it's daunting to say the least. It's not like I don't have good role models -- Eric, for instance, holds the record for number of full-time jobs in a year. And my very own beloved, Elaine, just came out of a tough, year-long search with a nifty job. Still, knowing that others have made it through doesn't help a whole lot.

Ah well. I have 9 weeks of severance, a hot wife who loves me, two great dogs and three cuddly cats to keep things lively.

Did I mention that our new dog --- the one with three legs--- has a habit of biting the arms and legs off of all the animal toys? Talk about bitter.

Posted 10:14 PM by Lauren
Prodigal Dogger

Dust off the adverbs Martha, I'm back and ready to write. It's been quite a hiatus, I'll grant you that. But writing never comes easy for me. It usually takes an act of god to make me sit down and do it. And god's been acting out alot around here lately. Pull up a modem, and I'll fill you in.

Back on September 9th 2002 my dog Clue just -- as they say -- up and died. One yelp and he collapsed dead on the floor. No, not an old dog...he'd just turned eight -- and as an Australian Shepherd, that put him about smack dab into middle age (not a comforting thought from where I sit on the aging continuum). Someone owes me another eight years with that sweet dog.

Fast forward to last Friday, December 6th -- the day I got laid off. Me and about 500 other people from my former company. Thank goodness my loving don't-ask-don't-tell-non-government-non-religiously-sanctioned-wife finally found full-time work. For those of you not of the inner circle, she had been severely under-employed for over a year.

Les bontemps roullez -- pardon my (French) spelling.

But today there is a happy note: a new dog in our life. Enter Cleo...an adorable, seven-year-old, three-legged Golden Retriever Tripod. She belonged to our next-door neighbors who also have twin two-year-old boys who like to step on, poke, pull and other wise annoy poor Cleo. Suffice it to say she snapped, and a tiny bit of blood was shed (a small cut over the one of the boy's eyebrow -- no stitches required). And so she has taken up permanent residence with us, bringing the total non-humanoid population of our home to: three cats, one and three-quarter dogs.

So if you've a mind to, check back in at That's Unpossible to learn more about my unemployed life with a tripod.

You know you want to.

Posted 4:22 PM by Lauren
Yes, it seems all I have time for is taking Internet quizes.
And about the results of this one, may I say:

No shit, Sherlock.


Which Angelina Are You?

Posted 9:42 PM by Lauren
Well, I saw this coming from a mile off.

	You are Fozzie! Wokka Wokka! You love to make lame jokes. Your sense of humor might be a bit off, but you're a great friend and can always be counted on..
Take the What Muppet Are You? Quiz!

Posted 6:40 PM by Lauren
Passport to an aging father, friends and Corporate America (part 1).

I have returned, although all similarities to MacAurthur end with this sentence. I’ve been on a six-day jaunt to:

1.Visit my father, who is now officially sprung from the hospital and recovering further at home (yay).

2. Visit with friends I rarely get to see any more (double yay).

3. Attend a two-day marathon “summit meeting” to discuss the various ins and outs of marketing and PR for SCSI hard drives (the anti-yay).

The friends-and-family portion of the trip was fabu. Dad’s getting better and flirting like mad with the visiting nurses. Like daughter, like father.

Of course there’s never enough time to see all the people clamoring for my presence (yeah, you heard me). The hardest part was going back to my home of 20 years to attend a lesbian dinner/dance event without Elaine (henceforth known as “The Diva”). Great food, good music, chic outfits, and me without my best accessory. The point was to see lots of women I know and haven’t seen in three years (all in one spot), and it was great. It would have been better, however, with The Diva.

One casual acquaintance asked after her:

Casual Acquaintance: “So, are you still with that woman? You know who I mean. What’s her name? The one with the breasts.

Bemused Me: “Um, all of my girlfriends have had breasts.”

Casual Acquaintance: “No, no, I mean the one with BREASTS” (hands hefting the air in front of her own less-than-ample throracic endowment).

Bemused Me: “Ah, that would be Elaine.”

For those of you in the audience who have not had the pleasure of meeting The Diva, know these three things to be true: She is “gifted.” She is smart. She has a house on Cape Cod. Or, as I like to put it: she’s got brains, cleavage and real estate.

I am one lucky Lauren.

More about my travels in my next posting: Watch this space.

Posted 10:35 PM by Lauren
I took the test and whattya know? I'm two, two, TWO goddesses in one. I may be mixing my candy metaphors, but double your pleasure, double your fun. Heh, heh.

See which Greek Goddess you are.

See which Greek Goddess you are.

Posted 5:21 PM by Lauren
Scrooge is to Christmas as *blank* is to Valentine’s Day

There are heartless souls roaming the earth who hate Valentine’s Day. I’ve heard all kinds of justification for anti-Valentine vitriol.

“It makes you feel lousy if you don’t have someone to fuck.”

“It’s a fake holiday created by greeting card companies to make money.”

“It lets people think they can give you a gift this one day and make up for the way they treat you the rest of the year.”

Puhleeze.

To these sad cynical sacks, I say Get an Imagination. So what if you don’t have someone to get naked with? Tell your sister you love her, tell your Dad he did all right by you, tell your best friend she’s a hoot. Or just get naked with yourself and feel the love.

With all the crap going on in this world, the last thing I want to hear is people whining about a day to share a bit of love.

Where’s my insulin, dammit?